The Great Firewall of China

I would like to say a big hello to the Chinese people, anyone in China, and especially to any journalists, bloggers and webmasters working in China.

I’m wondering – if a whole load of blogs gang up for a big ‘say hello to China’ campaign, would we be blocked in China?

Hello China! Salutations! *smiley face*

A word from our sponsor (sponsor of madness…)

One of my neighbours would like me to pass this message to you:

‘I HAVE JOLLY WELL HAD ENOUGH!’

(Dear Neighbour, you will appreciate I’ve had to make your message suitable for my fair readers).

He made this important announcement from outside his house at 5.28 this morning, rousing me – and many others, I suspect – from our slumber.

However, from the way this message was delivered to the world, I felt that my neighbour would wish for it to be spread as far as possible.

News Puff

I am a proponent of Life-Long Learning, and here is what I have learnt from the BBC News website in the last 5 minutes

Story: Veteran UK politician John Prescott thinks no one has the ‘right skills’ to replace the current Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

Conclusion: Surely this is A Good Thing?

Story: New Terminator film - director says ‘We release, like everyone else, misinformation campaigns.’

Conclusion: Like everyone else? No misinformation here, Sir. If the Terminator director is correct, then Wholesome Socks stands ready to take over as the world’s only trustworthy information source.

Supermarket anthropology

Deepening the intrigue, Tesco now has ‘ushers’ trying to herd shoppers into particular check-out queues. Competing ‘ushers’ attempt to move shoppers away from those check-outs to queue elsewhere.

I see the whole thing as a challenge.

You’re pushing your trolley along the line of check-outs. Maybe you’ve not decided if you’re ready to leave yet – got everything you came in for? Running through that shopping list in your head. Oh my, I’ve forgotten the dog food… what’s this? I have to line up here, pay, and leave now?

Or you’re busy scanning your environment for possible threats. Am I going to bump into anyone I know who I really don’t want to bump into? (Possibly applies more especially to me than most people). This is when you’re most vulnerable to the ‘ushers’.

Or you’ve got all your shopping and you’re deciding which check-out to use. Do I really want to be served by the flirtatious / truculent / surly / annoying –looking check-out worker?

Well, tough cookies! It’s not your choice!

I find that the ushers bug me more when I’m shopping alone. So there is only one rational explanation for what the check-out ushers are doing:

One usher is trying to match possible dating partners by observing who is waiting in a queue and looking for likely candidates for friendship and maybe more, before directing this person to join them in the queue.

The opposing usher’s objective is to either sabotage these potential matches, or create alternative, malicious pairings, for their own sadistic amusement.

It’s the only plausible explanation.

My advice: Head down, fierce expression on, and don’t take any prisoners when ramming through with your trolley.

Tescrodeo

There’s fun to be had without even going beyond your local supermarket.

For example, I believe Tesco is planning to increase the speed (and therefore excitement level) of their travelators (not sure if travelator is the right word, I mean those moving-ramps to take you up a level without carrying a trolley on the stairs, then convey you safely back to earth).

The automated warning system which tells you to ‘Please push your trolley firmly at the end of the conveyor’ is sounding more adamant, almost panicky, and is now spoken by both male and female voices.

What happens if you don’t push your trolley firmly at the end of the conveyor?

Female recording: ‘Please push your trolley firm…’ *sound of crunching metal, food blasted into the air and screaming shoppers* ‘…oh there goes another one, PLEASE push your trolley firmly at the end of the conveyor!’

Male recording: ‘These people take the biscuit. Tell you what, fancy a drink later on? Please push your trolley…’

And so on. Currently the travelators crawl at a snail's pace (moment of speculative pedantry: can snails have a 'pace', surely you need legs to 'pace'?). I would ratchet their speed up to a fair sprint. The people of this nation deserve excitement.

As a child I was wary of escalators because I believed if I wasn’t quick enough to jump off at the end, I would be dragged, nay – sucked! – into the inner workings and basically end up as a 2-dimensional person going round and round and round.

I haven’t yet seen any evidence to contradict my childhood theory.

British women delay flight over Germany

Two drunken fools have tried to open a plane door at 30,000 feet.

I’d like to make two comments.

Firstly, should alcohol be served on flights? It’s a catalyst for trouble and seems to cause bother in the same way as terrorism (albeit to a lesser extent). Terrorism is the reason given for the ban on carrying so much as a tiny screwdriver (for adjusting the screws in glasses) which came from a Christmas cracker (such a screwdriver was confiscated from a friend I was flying with once). Yes, I know most people can drink alcohol without trying to jump out of jets, but so can most people carry a screwdriver or knife without trying to hi-jack the flight.

Following on from the ban on knives, scissors and all such sharp objects, why is it that you can still, after the airport security searches, then buy glass bottles (of booze) in the duty-free shops, which could easily be smashed and used as weapons on a flight? (And a lot more dangerous than the little screwdriver, I would think).

Could the answer be something to do with money?

Electric fan

Warm weather has led me to borrow an old electric fan from my parents. This fan has been in the garage for years and we weren’t sure if it still worked. No fear. My mother had the answer. She advised me thus:

‘If it gives you any sparks when you plug it in, just put it in some water for a bit’.

As I’ve said before, the elderly can be malicious devils. But we must still honour our inheritance mothers and fathers.