Up to 10 thoughts about Tesco

1. It doesn’t matter what Tesco puts on its signs. ‘Less than…’, ‘Fewer than…’, or ‘Up to 10 items’, they still haven’t done anything about this sign.

2. Tesco staff are trying to breed new customers just as a farmer breeds new livestock (probably to be slaughtered for Tesco).

3. Their automated checkout systems are better than the ones in Asda. (In Asda the machine tells you off if you twitch a muscle while using it).

4. Some Tesco car parks - like many such car parks – are sometimes invaded by ‘boy racer’ types for ritual inspection of their white Ford Fiestas and much screeching of tyres.

5. When I look at the line of identical checkouts stretching into the distance, each operated by some poor sod (or a happy sod), it reminds me of battery hens and I wonder why no-one has yet protested for free-range checkout workers (they would roam freely and you catch one to process your shopping. That would be much more fun for both employees and customers than this so-called civilised queuing).

6. Despite their treatment, the staff generally seem quite nice.

7. Some of my clothes are from Tesco Extra.

8. I knew someone who was a teacher for 20 years, then stopped being a teacher and took a job as a Tesco trolley-rounder-upper person (I don't know if that's the official job title, but that's what the job was).

9. One day, all the lost, stolen and abandoned Tesco trolleys in this country will come alive and arise from the canals and scrap heaps, and start making their way back to Tesco like invincible zombies. I've been writing a screenplay about it, in fact. (Hollywood screenwriters - hands off my idea! Offers of financial remuneration will be considered, of course).

10. Please push your trolley firmly at the end of the conveyor.